Max and mom are at Trader Joe’s

Mom: Max, help me pick out a wine.

Max: Get the root wine!

Mom: What is root wine? Where do you see root wine, Max?

Max: It’s wine without the alcohol. 

Max is finally defecating in the toilet, so he has been unusually scatological for the last few weeks. 

Seraphia. That’s a thick layer of poop.

I’m not fabricating any of this — that is exactly what he said, and we have no idea where he got the word or why he said it. I suspect that it is  a very useful word, given the right situation. 

We sincerely apologize to any women named Seraphia for re-defining your name, but Max is 4 years old, and it is pointless to argue with a four year old. 

I Shave Before Battle!

Max informs his parents that the word for Barbarian and Barber are related. Civilized  soldiers shaved their beards so their enemies could not grapple them. Apparently, Max is not a barbarian, food-tossing snits not withstanding.

“Max, what do ground squirrels do in the winter?”

“They eat Homo Habilis!”

The Homo Habilis is one of Max’s favorite exhibits at the San Diego Museum of man. He’s so fond of the Museum that one of his imaginary friends is Lucy, and another is Stele, after Stele D, a rock carving from Honduras.

That’s a big poop, like a banana or a sausage. It came out of my rectum

Max has a very nerdy relationship to his body. He doesn’t get boo-boos: he gets abrasions over his humerus; The itsy-bitsy spider is an arachnid on his epidermis; eating ice cream results in “I have dry ice on my cerebellum. “

Max: I’m full of vibrations!

Dad: Max, where are your vibrations?

Max: In my stapes bone!

His father doesn’t know what a stapes bone is, either. Ok. He does know what it is, but was taking a break from being an arrogant, prideful bastard.

Cubbisin: a belly button.

Dad: Max, what do you call looking at your cubbisin?

Max: Omphaloskepsis!

Max invents a lot of phrases, and many of them are mysteries to his parents for months. This one took some sleuthing to define:

Delicatessen Eyes: The eyes of a person whose lower face is hidden.

Max came up with names for all of the James Barnett Hats paintings that we have.  He calls the Fez painting “Sabbi-Student” and the Biretta painting is “Obbi-Student”.

I told the artist about Max’s names, and he replied:

Oh, that is BEAUTIFUL. I guess the counter at the deli, to a 4 YO, is pretty high, so they only see the clerk’s eyes? That makes me happy. Thank you for sharing!

In reference to an “I do all my own stunts” shirt:

That’s a bashful circlehead.

The same term is applied to the figures in pedestrian crossing signals.

Goo-goo is male. Gaa-gaa is female.